Journal #5

When I am asked to “talk about my feelings,” I often clam up and do anything but monologue about what’s going on in my life. Maybe it’s due to the stigma that I’ve grown up around saying that guys shouldn’t show their feelings, because if we do, we’re a “pussy”, or a “queer,” and that kind of judgement makes me feel uncomfortable. I am very worried about how I look, and recently I have discovered that I’m not even keeping up with this appearance for myself, but purely for the people around me, and although that may be important to others, I know that I want to make decisions that make me feel good about myself, and not decisions that make other people think I feel good about myself. If I hadn’t grown up around people that only came to school or work in clothes and styles that were popular just to get attention from others, maybe I would be okay not putting styler in my hair, not putting in contacts, not using multiple different products to reduce my acne. But because of this, and my now conflicting motivation to do what makes me feel good, I feel kind of lost. I’ve always been able to get up earlier just to make sure I am the most presentable for people I hardly know, but I was never ‘happy’ to put up a mask for other people. I believe people should be able to embrace their emotions, embrace the fact that they don’t have to wear certain clothes or do their hair a certain way just to be validated from random people. So, I’m feeling okay. Just okay. Not great, not bad. I’m doing okay with school, I have a few days off from work, and It’s October soon, which is my favorite month of the year. I have things to look forward to, but I know that there are things in the back of my mind nagging at me, and I’m choosing to repress them, because that’s what I’ve always done. Hopefully soon, I can start gathering up the courage to express myself positively for both myself and for others. I don’t think looking good for others is bad, but I just don’t want to be forced to do or wear certain things to recieve validation from others, it should be something your actions and personality define, not your shoes or hair.